I slightly wish someone else would express these inner conflicts that I have in mind to share. I'd feel better being in the audience consuming these sensitive details to then burp a bunch of I can relate. It would be a lot easier, for I feel like I am about to expose myself by opening up. You will see my naked truth that hid behind my mask of hypocrisy. You will finally see me for who I am and not the person I inadvertently hid from your screen. Though I wish that someone else was doing this, I know that God wants me to be the one to tell these stories from my perspective. Every member of my body except my heart knows that it is that time to be vulnerable. It's like my fingers aren't matching the nervous pace of my heart. Instead, they are ecstatic to spill my innermost thoughts with the hopes of finding another soul that shares similar sentiments. I cannot blame them though, as misery loves company.
Ugh, screams my heart while here are my truths scream my fingers! This is a bit nerve-wracking, but I'll let my truths set me free. Get comfortable while I uncomfortably spill awkward details about me. Let’s start right now.
I struggle with feelings of rejection occasionally, and this feeling is often triggered by various events. For instance, I sometimes feel like no one chooses to hang out with me, or I'm their wild card whenever they are lonely. It's like, I'm that backup friend for hanging out, and I won't be asked until everyone else backs out. Most times no one backs out, so I wind up never being asked. Listen, this is not proven to be true, but it's a lie that was spun to validate my feelings. In actuality, I have several of these that I often feed myself whenever the soul-crushing feelings of rejection visits. I think they are the leading cause for many of the emotional pits that I often fall into.
This feeling started to surface when I saw that most persons were hanging out without me. This ripped me to the core, and sometimes I wanted to wash the hurt with my tears. I haven’t done so though. Why don’t you want to hang out with me? I'm literally so chill.
For days, I’d munch on the sad details of how insignificant I am. It was a lonely experience that made me overweight because I fed on the highlights from their social gatherings I was exempted from. Their social media posts stained my memory. One day I was on the brink of tears when the truth slapped me across my face so hard that I had to snap out of it. It wasn’t the case that they didn't want to hang out with me, but they grew tired of asking, as they knew my cliché response would be I can't make it. I then wrestled some more with this, and I asked why can’t they still invite me? That was stupid of me since the answer was blatantly there. The answer is this, which broke me, sometimes persons get tired of hearing no along with our excuses. As I write this, a new perspective has surfaced, and it's this thought;
What if they believe that you don't want to hang out with them?
Up until now, I never considered this.
I believe one of the leading causes of our hurts is because we only think about our side of the story. If only we were more objective and communicated our feelings with others more honestly, we would save ourselves from hurting in silence. Moreover, we would probably not even hurt in the first place. Placing myself in their shoe, I see where I’d probably stop asking because it appears like I don’t want to hang out with me. Wow!
Here are some fun facts: Writing all of this is a therapeutic experience that has led to a breakthrough. I’m finally seeing the sides. Thank you Jesus for this! I also feel super mature writing this since I feel myself letting go of the hurt of feeling left out. I am also feeling led to address how I may have allowed others to feel by constantly saying no to them. If you’re my friend, and I caused you to feel this way, I am sorry. I have my reasons which you will learn more about in my next issue.
Note: My next issue isn’t another blog, but rather another truth within this blog. I need to finish this topic of rejection. Keep reading to learn more.
I recently came to the understanding that I rejected the quirks and just about my whole God-designed essence. Not only did I do this, but I had the audacity to shamelessly walk around with a sign of desperation that said, “Accept me though I don’t accept who I am.” I am chuckling as I write because this is so sad. It’s ironic how we often want others to accept us 100% when we haven’t even initiated the process to accept our own selves. To make matters worse, I made it my life’s mission to mask myself with fragments of other people’s identity. I felt like their light would make me shine brighter and stand out. Truth be told, it only illuminated how much of a poser I was. I studied them to show myself approved but approved by who exactly? Me? God? Oh, wait, them! They rejected me too, so let’s laugh about that as well.
After realising this, I launched another mission which was to find out why on earth am I on earth? Through my moments of self-discovery, I began to see that I was fearfully and wonderfully made by God (Psalm 139:14). It was then that I started to see that when I acknowledge and operate as God wired me, I will appear as weird and that’s okay. I started to see that by wishing that I looked differently with different living circumstances, I was disrespecting the Creator’s design. I was insulting Him!
Note: Wired and weird contain the same letters, but they are scrambled differently. I found this exciting when I realised it recently. I hereby Copyright EVERY twist of weird and wired that one may place in a catchy phrase. Such as; Wired by God to be weird or, Weird because I’m wired by God. Let me know if you want to purchase this on a T-shirt.
There was a time that I belittled the skills, gifts, and talents that I was given, for I felt like they were insignificant based on what He gave others. It was as if God played favourites, and I was in His least. Why couldn’t God make me taller with the melodic voice of a canary? I hated my voice and my small stature! I wanted my circumstances to change, but they haven’t. Clearly. Thankfully, my new journey made me realise that though my voice wasn’t designed to have a high range for singing, I have the right tone to have a global audience listen to my Good News about Him for hours. I realised that I have a voice of influence, but because I was caught up with wanting a voice to draw attention, I nearly missed out on Touching All Nations.
When we compare ourselves to others, we inadvertently reject ourselves, and we reject God’s design. Listen, if you are currently struggling with accepting yourself then I hope that these words are piercing your skin. I hope that they will be like a thorn in your flesh that only goes away when you start your journey to self-acceptance. I want you to accept you so that you will replace your sign of “Accept me though I don’t accept who I am” with “I accept my God-design, so treat me accordingly.” I want you to acknowledge that you are a child of the most High, so your life isn’t supposed to be average. You are royalty! We are all royals!
Let’s stop cancelling ourselves from doing what we are created to do because we have rejected our ability to be successful in our calling. Low- self-esteem has caused me to not go into new dimensions because I felt like I was unworthy. I believed that other persons were more suitable than I was and that I was just a nobody. Truth be told, this is the first in years that I have worked on a transcript this long. It hasn’t been since high school which is nearly 6 years ago. Why? I believed that my words were not worth reading. I felt like I lacked substance, and no one would be moved because they weren’t emotive enough. I cancelled myself when God already qualified me before the beginning of time to do this. Recently I was triggered to address this fault after a literal Heart to Heart.
Note: Heart to Heart is a Christian talk- show on YouTube.
Listening to the words of the host made me fully realise that God has filled me with many ideas, but doubt and self-rejection caused me to be living average. Though I have been working on some of these ideas, I rejected doing some of them. I was waiting for someone to validate my contribution to humanity without realising that I was 100% nullifying what I was created to be. I am
An element of change within the realms of media and communications.
I was nullifying my existence. I was created to offer a lot, and so were you. What have you been nullifying because you believed that you are unable to be successful or no one would sanction you to do it?
I’ll also add that fear of being called “Nuff” caused me to belittle my worth. Now that I have acknowledged that God created me to be so, I really don’t care. Rather than calling me “Nuff”, call me terms like purpose-driven, involved, and focused. When you can do this, it means that you are seeing, hearing, and feeling the grave impact of my existence. I’m doing what I need to be doing. We need to stop silencing ourselves because of fear and self-rejection. We have so much to offer, and you will believe this when you begin to see yourself through His eyes and not the eyes of this broken society. After all, their vision will never make you break glass ceilings, and you were called to do just that!
Note: I realise that this is getting rather lengthy, and I may just turn this into a series of Truths I Struggled With. I’ll try to make this next issue my last for now as well as really short.
I sometimes struggle with wanting to back out of commitments because I get anxious. It’s like any reason to step out of my comfort zone, I’ll seldom say yes or be hesitant to. What does my comfort zone look like? It’s basically one where I don’t do much, and I can casually do what I like, how I like, and when I like. This zone doesn’t transcend into my actual reality, so that means I have to force myself to do the opposite. It baffles me that as outgoing as I am, I suffer from this. I’ll even let you in on this that most times I really want to cancel even the recording sessions for the podcast. I don’t know why I even get anxious. Wait, lies, I do. I even get anxious as well when I see messages, and that’s a part of why I sometimes take forever to respond. I hate that I’m like this, and I feel like this is apart of why I miss out on events like hanging out with those I love. I’m really sorry.
The Bible states that we should be anxious for nothing (Philippians 4:6), but I'd be lying if I said that I walked this talk daily. I feel mentally burdened to stick to a commitment such as even responding to an email, or completing a task for someone. At times, I take minutes/ hours to talk myself into doing it. I automatically feel drained, but what deeper befuddles me is how experiences from these “burdensome” events are my most fulfilling. They are the ones that contribute most to my holistic growth and allow me to step outside of the box/ my comfort zone. These are the opportunities I end up regret saying no to. On the other hand, when I do say yes, they become events that are my most treasured, so why am I always so hesitant to say yes?
I am about to get super spiritual, so if you're not about that then, please stop reading. Thank you for reading my blog, but this is where we part. If you are still reading, thank you for wanting to hear me out!
My answer is that the devil allows us to be consumed by fear and anxiety to hinder us from progressing into greater beings. Fear and anxiety are not from God. The NIV version of 2 Timothy 1:7 posits that “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.” With this in mind, we see that these feelings are not sent by God. We should also note that the devil intends to have us living average lives driven by fear and rejection. I must add that it was through believing some of his lies that I felt like my friends didn’t want me around, and they were better off without me. I didn’t give in to life-changing activities because of him as well. It startles me how it’s easier to believe his lies rather than the truth of God. That discussion is for another time which I will certainly link to his interaction with Eve in the garden. The fact of the matter is that God didn’t create us to be timid, so we should let it go. Right now!
It’s time for us to confidently say yes more. I need to say yes more and no longer be hesitant. Let 2021 be a year of yes, especially when linked to A. walking in your Godly purpose and B. being around a Godly community. Begin to empty yourself of the devil’s sweet nothings, and affirm the Words of God. Here’s a principle to help you as well:
… whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Phillippians 4:8
If your thoughts do not match these then rid yourself of them. No longer will we be fattening ourselves with the devil’s lies. After all, they’ve only been giving us cavities within our God-design. Jesus, our dentist, is willing to cleanse us, fill us, fragrance our breath with truths, and beautify us. It’s time to start moving differently by accepting what He says about us.
I don’t know how to close, so let’s just say that this is our beginning. I’m not through sharing, but I’m through feeling like a nervous wreck. I’m now happy to share which is why I still haven’t stopped writing. I can’t seem to shut up. This is not goodbye. This is where we pause for just a while.
Thank you for reading Nasanta’s Reel Thoughts.