Hi! Happy Single & Struggling Saturday. I hope that since we started this series, you have been addressing your love life with Christ. How has it been going since we spoke the last time? Let me know.
This week, our focus will be the why in dating with a bit of a twist. We will be delving into the fairytale expectations that some of us may have about being in an unequally yoked relationship. Too early? Well then good.
Let's get into it, shall we?
By now, I think you should pick up that I was born and raised in the church. There was always this famous saying that we should not be yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). I did not quite understand what it meant until I was in university. It's like I knew that I shouldn't be in a relationship with them, but I felt like if I did the flirt to convert method, It would balance things out.
Hold up, let me slow down a bit.
What does it mean to be unequally yoked with unbelievers?
It means that we should not marry an individual whose religious views are different from our own. The analogy is related to oxen who would be paired based on similar characteristics. For instance, short and weak oxen would not be paired with tall and strong oxen. This is because one would be a setback to the other while one would go ahead of the other simultaneously, respectfully, however you call it. You get it right? To continue, these oxen would be paired to accomplish a goal, but if there was an imbalance then there would be an ineffectiveness.
Balance!
This is the reason it is important to be yoked with your tribe because our end goal is heaven, and it makes no sense that you become joined with someone who is on a separate path from you. I must also add that though you may be of the same religion/ denomination you have to be careful. It's not to say that you are going to be someone's clone, but if your views on life and God are different, it is meaningless. This is the very essence of brewing conflict.
Flirt to convert
The act of flirting to convince an unsuspecting person to attend your church (Urban Dictionary, 2015).
To continue, I was at that point of believing that if I flirt and convert someone then this will not be considered unequally yoked. My ambitions got the best of me and I-
As highlighted in our last post, I used reference movies for lessons on life and dating. Before I ended up loving the movie, How To Be Single, I had a Christian favourite. This one was called A Walk To Remember. I'm going to give spoiler alerts, so avoid this until you watch it. Thank you for reading thus far. If you are still with me, I love you. You have great taste in movies.
I watched the movie when I was a child, and I was in awe. The message that I got from it was that Christian females are capable of transforming rebel kings into servants of God. I wanted that too, and so I prayed. I prayed that God would send me a miracle in the form of a rebel that I should tame. Let's pause at this 12/13-year-old's prayer.
After this prayer, I did not see Christian guys. Who me? They were already saved so line up my miracle extra cheeky with no sign of God. Heavy on the no sign of God because I will need time to dedicate to our flirt to convert evangelism. Ha!
I dodged the guys at camp, and I dodged the guys at church conventions. They were the same, but we are trying to be interesting. By the age of 15 going on 16, I met the perfect candidate. I don't remember how it started, but I was pumped off adrenaline. My prayers were answered! I remember flirting to then insert conversations about church and inviting him there. He'd often refuse, but persistency was a necessity. I didn't mind. I remember asking him about reading his Bible, and he said that he didn't have one. Listen to me reel ones, I took it upon myself to get him a Bible. I wasn't even reading my own Bible might I add, but who cares when I'm trying to win a husband. ( Honestly, I didn't care about his soul, as I only wanted a heart of a "man" well boy that I wouldn't have to feel guilty about here on earth).
Let's fast forward the story. This guy did not read the Bible. His sister took it, and I was crushed. The relationship did not work out I don't even think it started. Naive Nasanta did not realise that by flirting she was giving the young man ideas to be carnal with her. When she realised, she told him that it couldn't work because she was a Christian.
SKREAMINGGGG!!
Eventually, she cut it off and her hopes of being an Evangelist ended.
She then gave up on the movie a walk to remember, as she realised that that road was one that could not be trodden.
That story is one that many of us can relate to. It may not be exact, but you may have reached that point of thinking that you could convert someone with the sole purpose of being a relationship rather than winning a soul for God's kingdom. This is a treacherous path to tread, and if you are on this path, I am going to say HALT!
Firstly, the Bible declares that everything that we do indeed should be one where He gets the glory.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17, NIV
When we aim to do this type of dating/ witnessing it is selfish. We should never enter a relationship to be a Spiritual Parent to the other person. Note, it is important to keep the person spiritually accountable (James 5:16), but do not do this from a place of mentorship. You may find that this can be exciting in the beginning, but it can open up the door to several things such as:
Confusing dependency for love
Controlling behaviours
Turning the person into a project/god
Heartbreak
Furthermore, we need to realise that it is not our role to change persons. We should lead persons to Christ, but we do not do the changing.
And I will give them an heart to know me, that I am the LORD: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart. Jeremiah 24:7, KJV
Many of us are experiencing or have experienced spiritual burnouts because we have taken it upon ourselves to be heart surgeons. Sweetie, that is not your role or your calling. Let's take it further, some of us only evangelise when we like someone. Am I knocking on anyone's conscience yet? Some of us have turned persons into our ministries and we haven't even answered God's calling for our lives. Phew, child! I'm stopping here! I know it hurts.
Though this is for another week, I must also add that we shouldn't allow someone's potential to cause us to be blind. If the person is unequally yoked, they are unequally yoked. Do not make excuses and put your heart in a place it shouldn't be. It is okay to walk away from a relationship while giving the person a healthy space to grow. You don't have to be physically active. Why do you have to go into a relationship to evangelise? Why are you the only one evangelising to this person? Why? When we are guided by our why's you will notice that many of our intentions are no right. that is one of the reasons it is important to always seek God before you pursue just about anything in your life.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6: 33, KJV
In continuing with the analogy of being a Spiritual Parent, I need to add that many times this is a projection. Let's head back to my story. I was not reading my Bible, but I saw the desire to tell this guy to read his. This was a psychological and spiritual reflection of my life. It is easier for us to instruct others on what to do rather than to put in the work. This does not mean that it is right. It is a sign of spiritual hypocrisy & deception which the Bible warns us about.
If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Galatians 6: 3, NIV
Beware of the teachers of the law. They like to walk around in flowing robes and love to be greeted with respect in the marketplaces and have the most important seats in the synagogues and the places of honour at banquets. Luke 20: 46, NIV
When you flirt to convert, are you living what you are sharing?
Again I say, you do not have to witness to someone from a place of wanting to be with them. When you choose this method, it undermines your validity as a looked up to Christian. It is better to pray for the person from afar rather than wrap yourself into emotions for this person. There are so many possibilities from this approach that is harmful both from your side and the other persons' (We will explore these soon). Until then, please cease all flirt to convert relationships. They are more detrimental to your soul in comparison to your heart.
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23, NIV
Reflective Questions:
Why do I want to date this unbeliever?
How am I compromising my beliefs to accommodate this person?
Am I spiritually at the place to guide this person?
What areas in my life do I need to address?
Am I spiritually lazy?
Am I evangelising only to this person?